Making things worse by helping (S.)

S. was (and is) a very troubled and selfish person, and I was a very lonesome fool trapped in an unhealthy dependancy cycle. By some miracle of effort I wrenched myself out of it and one Saturday morning after dropping her son off at school I came home, sat down opposite her on the couch and told her she had to leave. I had tried this once before the previous summer, at which time I even itemised my grievances which I only realised later meant I was inviting a discussion about our relationship rather than ending it. I remember when I went to umpire school in junior high the instructor taught us when you called a pitch a ball not to add "low" or "inside" or whatever, as it was extra information which only invited argument about what is fundamentally an arbitrary decision. She did not and likely still does not understand what happened and why, and it was of course difficult for me to resist the temptation to try to explain it to her, especially seeing her in such pain as I did during the ensuing weeks it took for her to get organised and get out. It was a startling and humbling revelation for me to realise that my trying to help someone, which I had been doing for years, was not only not helping, but making it worse.

Loneliness, within and without

I had a chat today with G. about loneliness. I should say I was talking and he was mostly just nodding. He was needling me about sitting in one of the customer chairs at his coffee shop without having actually bought a coffee, and I was defending myself as a regular customer who ought to be entitled to squatter's rights or something considering how often I am there. He said I must have been lonely, which prompted me to explain my recent learning about how the solution to loneliness is within, not without. G. just nodded, patiently, as I spelled out how it took me 40 years to learn that lesson. He reminded me that I need to be patient, not to try to find someone but to let someone find me. He is right.