Year-end List

Earlier this year, we opened my father's cottage a week earlier than usual, and I posted that 2012 was the year that Victoria Day came early. But it is not so much that it came early, more that it came in abundance, and in that respect it was like much else this year. I have experienced an abundance of love and a wealth of warmth this year like nothing I have ever felt before. Pretty good year, indeed.

I search for the words to describe it, and find words like landmark and monumental, but even with such grandiose adjectives I fall short. It has been a transformational year, the year I finally achieved emotional stability, the year I finally achieved emotional maturity. The year I finally grew up. The year I finally trusted myself and embraced myself. The year I finally learned how to treat other people. The year I finally recognised what truly makes me great, and the year I finally recognised the greatness in everyone.

I am eternally thankful and indebted to those who have helped me along the way. Before I identify them however, first of all I must thank myself -- for  better or worse I am the captain of this ship, and only I could have charted a new course the way I did. It was a monumental step for me to recognise that the biggest obstacle to me getting on track to being the man I wanted to be was me, and it was at least as big a challenge to act on that insight and set about making the changes I needed to make.
But after that there is a whole crew whose contributions need to be recognised and acknowledged, and in the tradition of the end-of-the-year list, I do that here:

To my dearest LB, I thank you for lighting the spark within me and helping me realise that there was another path. I thank you for showing me how beautiful the world looks from four floors up, for assuring me of the greatness I am capable of, and how pointless it is to sell myself short, for setting an example for me of how to set my sights high and for holding my hand and leading me there.

To my dearest LD, I thank you for reaching out and guiding me when I was going through some of the roughest periods I have ever experienced: last year at Christmastime, when I felt like  I was in no shape to be anyone's friend, you were my friend, you had faith in me and in the fact that I could and would rise above the darkness, which I did, with your help. You were and continue to be an example to me and of course to everyone around you. You taught me the value of living authentically, which turned out to be easier than I realised, and more important than I ever imagined. It matters. You introduced me to FSM, and assured me of what a fantastic man he was - and is - and helped me to discover him and introduce him to the world. And you reminded me that I am and always have been him.

To my beloved J, you never gave up on me when it felt like everyone else had, and when I certainly had given up on myself. You were there, to lift me out of the mire when I most needed lifting, you are my hero and my inspiration. You taught me to value myself and the value of treating myself with respect and refinement. You taught me what it meant to receive unconditional love, and I learned how to give it to you. And this year I shared those lessons with the rest of my family, and the results speak for themselves.

To WC, you taught me the value of always having capacity, and how to monitor my own. You taught me how to live forthright and upright: with my feet planted on the ground,  and my head up and oriented to the heavens and to the stars. You showed me where home was, and how it was closer than I ever realised. You taught me that there is only one M., that he is and was and always will be the loveable man that I am. You taught me the beauty of innocence and took me back to look through the eyes of myself as a child, and through the eyes of some of the people who knew me then and have known me since, and what a delightful view I had.

To my beloved sister K., your faith in me never wavered, no matter how desperate or despondent I became, you were there, to help in every possible way and at every conceivable hour. You assured me that I was not my brain, and that it would pass, and despite how difficult it was for me to believe it at the time, you were right - as you are about pretty much everything. My thoughts were just thoughts, and it did pass, and here I am congratulating and embracing you with the love that I never even knew I had in me.

To OW, my coach, you taught me to look within myself and trust myself to know what is the right thing to do. You taught me that what frustrates me about others is what frustrates me about myself.
You showed me that my relationship with woman I date reflects my relationship with the the women in my family. You inspired me to embrace my love for the women and the people in my life in the loving way of which I am capable.  You showed me how I can change my world by changing myself.