I remember

I remember the first time I felt this inspired was when I first started working at a successful but somewhat dysfunctional restaurant chain in 2005 and I suddenly felt like I understood shit and that with this understanding I could really contribute to turning around an organization which was otherwise very troubled and really could have used (and still could use) some serious, steady outside help.

I met a couple of people there, including L. (whom I had actually met before and who was to become a very close friend), whom I felt recognised the value of a fresh perspective, and hopes were raised, but not much came of it and within months they were both gone from the company, I had lost my inspiration and next thing I knew I had my head right back up my ass where it had been so comfortable for so long. And where it stayed for quite some time.

The next time I remember almost resurfacing was in late summer 2008 when I got a bunch of my ducks lined up and again felt like I got it. I hosted my usual summer BBQ and booked it around when L. could come from Calgary, which she did. Notwithstanding whatever forgettable things happened that night, firmly planted in my memory is a walk we took the next day on the beach. I am not even sure how to characterize that conversation but it was kind of like me telling L. that I felt like it was time to grow up now, and L. agreeing, encouraging and approving.

And it went very well for a while, I did a very good job of focussing on grownup things and I was just together enough for couple months and then I met S. I thought I had it figured out but the thing was, I was missing some crucial understanding and that doomed the whole thing to the disaster that it turned out to be.

But without that disaster where would I be?

Part three is now, when I have the mature perspective, and the mature reaction formations.