I am starting to be able to identify what exactly it is about me that I am "working on" and where I want to go with it. I have a whole bunch of projects on the go, and they all kind of dovetail together. I feel like some of it is starting to sink in a bit.
The depression recovery project is called "I am not my Brain", and it is about learning to ignore the temptation to react poorly to deceptive messages my brain sends me which cause me to enter into and then get stuck in the familiar but self-destructive patterns of depression. It is a challenging one and I am kind of trying to do it myself with the help of a several books and blogs, but the main thing is to teach your brain to react differently than you are used to doing, with the idea that eventually it will stop automatically going to the familiar and unfortunately sad and lonely place, but to the new pattern I have established though conscious repetition.
The confidence and self-esteem project is called "Kicking the validation habit", and it is about becoming self-validating and removing my dependence on the validation of others. This is a very important one for me, and it took me a long time to recognize and understand what it meant to be a validation junkie and just how much of one I was. I have seen all too frequently first hand the unfortunate and inevitable result of what I become when I am unable to obtain someone's validation after having become dependant on it. I am consciously building my own self-validation by following three steps: identify and eliminate shameful behaviour and habits (habitual indulgences, deriding, denigrating, envying and/or disrespecting others, leering at women, swearing, aggressive driving), improve key areas of my life (career, living arrangements, wardrobe, health), engage in activities to fulfil my life (new friends, trips, big plans, goals, projects).
The spiritual one is called project "FSM" (aka Future Self Me) is what I call the one I am working on with old neighbour, friend and now life coach LD. Her approach is to help me envision who I am and where I want to be, and then help me identify what is obstructing my path and how I can overcome those obstacles while being true to my authentic values. I am greatly encouraged by what we have done so far, and feel like I am starting to be able to apply the lessons to aspects of my daily life as well. FSM is confident, grounded, and emotionally connected. FSM is also a Superior Man, who lives a life of integrity, authenticity and freedom.
Around the same time as I started with LD, I started seeing a shrink whose approach I am still fairly sceptical of. I have somewhat cynically entitled this classical psychological / psychoanalytical project Project Rear-view Mirror. Despite my doubts, I continue to attend twice weekly for the time being, as I am hesitant to walk away from anything at this point unless I am sure it will not help. Shrinks are more mysterious and reticent by nature than life coaches or self help books, but their approach enjoys a record of some success as well and thus continues to enjoy the benefit of my doubt. He also talked at the beginning about the possibility of putting me back on happy pills and there have been times when I have been in so much pain that I gave serious consideration to trying that again. I have a very strong preference for not going down that road again except under extreme desperation, but should I choose pharmacology I would need an MD to supervise it. Nonetheless, the more I assemble the pieces of the big picture, the less footprint on the way forward map this project seems to enjoy. Frankly if he does not pull a rabbit out of a hat pretty soon I think I will cut him loose. I am just not sure I will benefit from any more digging and looking back, particularly if I am able to focus some serious energy on the road ahead.
The last project I want to mention is kind of just beginning but in a way it started the day I met LB. I am not sure what to call this one, maybe something like Project Rock Star, which is something I lifted from one of her messages to me. LB is putting together a plan for working with me from the standpoint of professional improvement but there is a huge overlap into the personal, as I am really looking at merging the two mes into one coherent entity. LB occupies a huge and unique place in my future vision, she is part eye-opener to me but also a mentor, a life coach and a wing girl. I am very excited about working with her, and have been for some time, but I knew I had to wait until I had a stable framework on which to build up and out. I worry that I may not even have that yet, but I cannot wait forever, things are starting to dovetail and I feel like I am ready identify my potential and start to realize it in the way that I know I am capable of.
No comments:
Post a Comment