Adaptation to Life

A few years ago, I read a magazine article about a remarkable study by an interesting psychiatrist. The doctor in question had in fact not initiated but inherited the so-called "longitudinal" study, which closely followed a cohort of men from a particular generation and Ivy League university from their freshmen years until the present day, and attempted to chart their success, and their satisfaction with their lives.
At that time I was in weekly therapy sessions with WL, a young and softspoken psychiatric resident, whose lasting impact on me would be difficult to understate, despite the years we spent together, crammed into his impossibly small office.
Although I forget what exactly was revealed in the article, it was enough to inspire me to track down the book, which I special-ordered, as it was not in stock at the psychology-specialised book store on the main university campus in my city. I remember the clerk telling me that it was kind of old (12-15 years perhaps at the time), and I remember telling him that he was bound to get a bunch of orders for it because of the fresh new light shone thereon by the article I had read, in a widely-read magazine.
It took a month or more for the book to arrive, and I remember how excited I was when it did. And I remember reading it enthusiastically and voraciously, and I remember sharing with S., who was by that time living with me, and with WL, whom I had actually known marginally longer, that this book was going to change my life. And I remember the similar indifference of them both to my confident enthusiasm.
The premise of the book is that happiness and success are essentially contingent on how well one learns to handle adversity. The author, in studying his subjects, identifies, classifies and stratifies the adaptive mechanisms which they employ to handle the situations in which they find themselves. He sorts the techniques into four groups, which he numbers Levels 1, 2, 3, and 4, namely psychotic, immature, neurotic, and mature. His conclusion: the more prominent the role of the mature adaptive defence mechanisms in a subject's repertoire, the happier and more successful they tended to be.
I have given a great deal of credit in these pages to some of the people close to me who have made enormous contributions to help and inspire me: my mentor LB, my neighbour and coach LD, my friend LH, my Goddaughter and inspiration J, my sister K, my friend PH, my coach OW, my therapist WC. I have neglected to credit GV, the author of that book, for the initial inspiration.
The seeds of the remarkable transformation which I have undergone were planted upon reading that book. The roots of FSM, the Class Act, are found within the pages and the premise of that book. The power which I have been able to harness and channel into such remarkable feats this year for myself and for my friends and my family stems from the fundamentals laid down in that book.

Faisant le Bilan

In an entry from October of last year, I outlined the projects I was working on to improve myself and finally take charge of my life. Little did I know at the time just how far I was going to fall before I rose up to the challenges of all of those projects. And now I find myself approaching Labour Day, and soon afterward the anniversary of that post, and I think it is time for a reckoning of how far I have come and how far I have to go.

1. I am not my brain. This project has been an almost unqualified success. While it took a couple of months to get to where I needed to be, I got there. The reason I say almost, however, is that I have experienced a bit of a mood setback in the past couple of weeks, which is of course the real test of this technique. While I have been experiencing persistent negative thoughts, I have been using the techniques I learned successfully, I think, to arrest the potential descent into actual depression. Grade: B+
2. Kicking the Validation Habit. It has been an incredible year for my self-esteem. I have been able, through conscious effort, to approach people and situations with energy and confidence. I have learned to not take ownership of other people's shame, embarrassment, and discomfort. I have recognised, acknowledged and remedied (although certainly not eliminated) many of my habitual indulgences. I have identified a model - the Class Act - which I strive to follow and I have become adroit at instinctively and reflexively governing myself accordingly. I have made dramatic improvements in some key areas of my life (living arrangements, wardrobe, vehicle, social life, sex life), while failing to make any progress or even losing ground in others (career, health). While I have had tremendous success in engaging new people, I have not yet been able to extend it to a permanently elevated network of friends and colleagues. I have had some success with small projects such as at my father's cottage, and with some trips such as attending a conference on the west coast in the spring, and more recently my nephew's wedding. I have tried but not managed to become "a man with a plan", as advised by my life coach OW. Grade: B
3. FSM. I am confident, I am grounded, and I am emotionally connected. I am a superior man, who lives a life of integrity, authenticity and freedom. I know the kind of man I want to be, and I am become that man. I do not yet know the legacy I want to have, the real purpose of my life. Grade: B+
4. Rear-view Mirror. As I have pointed out in previous posts, I escaped the Freudian therapist and was fortunate enough to find a therapist who, after listening for perhaps a quarter of an hour or maybe only ten minutes, was convincing in his dismissal of the rear-view mirror approach. We looked backed, interestingly enough, but not to the miserable past but rather the joyful one, and spent some time reviewing life as a child, in celebration but not lamentation, with an eye the whole time to the future and not the past. If I look back now, it is for inspiration, not nostalgia. Grade: A+
5. Rock Star. This one is still only beginning. There have been some encouraging and exciting developments along this path, and there are miles to go. I continue to work with LB and with others and the authenticity I have discovered I can live by enables me to continue to develop in this direction. It is somewhat hampered in the same way as #2 and #3 are hampered, in that I still lack a coherent vision and purpose for my life. But it has nonetheless been several great strides forward with no appreciable decay. Grade: B

Capacity

One of the most important things I learned from WC was about capacity. As early as my second or third visit to his office, he stood up from his chair to illustrate something for me on his whiteboard. He drew a cylinder, and he drew a line demonstrating the level of its contents part-way up, perhaps 60% full. He pointed to the space above the level, and identified that space as ones capacity. This is the space that when you keep open it becomes available to others, into which you may invite others to share in the richness and love that you have to offer. He drew another line, right at the top of the cylinder. When you are up here, he said, you have no capacity for others, you are completely full of yourself.
When you are full, not only are you not open and available to others, but when you interact with them, it tends to be clumsy, aggressive and obtuse. And you are so top-heavy that you are liable to fall over and find yourself horizontal and butting heads. Reorient yourself, with your feet firmly planted on the ground, with a solid and stable foundation, and with your head pointed to the heavens, and you will be much better equipped for the inclement weather life is sure to send your way.

Reunion

I have been trading fawning text messages with my sister G this evening, about how much love we have for each other despite never having known it for all these years. What a wonderful source of energy that we have both been blessed to discover, this summer, out of thin air.