While J and I were engaging with T and the tap dancing video show, her husband S was marshalling a crew for our planned sailing trip the following day. J and I had slipped into the back yard at one point and sampled some weed that T had provided us with earlier in the day and I was feeling pleasantly spacey. At some point I went to the kitchen for another drink and was bussing the table on my way, only to discover once I got there that the dishwasher was done and clean. I started emptying the dishwasher, despite being thoroughly puzzled by how they organised their cupboards. At some point S and T realised what I was doing and I overheard them discussing it. S was actually somewhat disturbed by my actions, however T was dismissive and amused. "He just smoked some project weed," she shrugged. At that point, S marched into the kitchen and brusquely interrupted my unloading with a terse suggestion to desist. I was on the home stretch, and so focussed on the task that I failed to appreciate the gravity of his displeasure, and I essentially ignored his instructions and armed myself with what looked to be the penultimate handful from the dishwasher. S was extremely agitated and, snapping the flatware from my hand, dispatched me definitively to bed with a reminder of our early morning wakeup call.
But the best was yet to come. Upon arriving in my ground-floor bedroom and getting tucked in for my repose, I was at first alarmed and then amused by the sound of cupboard drawers slamming and dishes clanking as S forcefully and deliberately undid the damage of the disarray my intoxicated obsession had wrought on his kitchen.
As I said I was initially alarmed by the inhospitable mood I had evidently engendered in my host. But quickly enough I had a realisation - this was not about me, but rather about him. This is such a huge lesson for me and yet another wonderful and delightful part of the beauty of authenticity: when you know that you are OK, you do not need to own the dysfunctional behaviour of others. It can be very tempting to blame oneself and get down on oneself for something which on the surface may appear to be regrettable behaviour, but in the end is really just someone else's problem. Someone is just trying to make it all about them, and when that happens the best thing to do is let them do it, ride it out - continue to be dignified and respectful and this too shall pass. Becoming unnecessarily and overly contrite is not actually doing anyone any favours, but is in fact the selfish response, because then you are simply trying to make it all about you when in fact it has little to do with you.
It takes a deft touch and a leap of faith to step back and let it happen but it works.
When people take it upon themselves and make it all about themselves in a demonstrable way such as what happened, you let that go and you sleep well and then you go sailing with them in the morning. Whether they are apologetic as a result or whether they are bitter about it is a matter of the nuance of their chosen coping mechanism. What you can control is you and the best you can do is continue your endeavour to make yourself the best person you can be.
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