Once again I am having a very hard time going forward today. I am so scared that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, and that I sabotaged the best thing that ever happened to me when I threw away my relationship with S., my house, the cottage, the boat, my dad, everything. I threw the baby out with the bathwater, except I actually kept the bathwater and now I am cold, shivering, wet, dirty, and alone. and the lights are off. in fact the power is off in the whole house. in fact there is no house, the bathtub is outside in the cold winter air.
I burst into tears at the dentist this morning when she was giving me the flossing lecture and I am surprised she did not call a mental hospital and have me admitted. I wish she had actually.
It is not that I have some new perspective on S.'s selfish and disrespectful behaviour towards me. But even with all that, she was the closest, kindest and lovingest connection I have ever had in my life, and I long for it back, because in 40 years nothing else ever came close to that. Why did I not realise how painful this solitude would be when I chose to break her heart and mine like I did? I can't stand it. I just sit here feeling so sad and alone and helpless and hopeless and I picture her wherever she is and I am convinced that I am just being stubborn and foolish FOR NO REASON other than wanting to be proven right or something, like I need everyone to agree she was mean to me and it was not fair etc. Fuck fair! I want love, I want it so badly. It is no accident that I respond so well to someone like LD who is so warm and generous and loving and affectionate and feminine - I have a huge void there to fill, and it feels so good when it comes but it is like shovelling sand into an ocean, it disappears as fast as you can pour it in.
I started working on some of the stuff LD asked me to work on, but I get so easily stuck in these stupid loops like the one here. I think I need a month in a rehab or something, somewhere where I can just stop beating myself about everything and just let it happen or something. I should have done that over the holidays instead of lying in my bed crying, but I could not force myself to.
One of the things I want to work on if I can ever stop crying long enough is the list of things that I am crying about. I do not agree with LD that it will turn out to be shorter than I think -- but there is only one way to prove her wrong! And worse case she is right, which is even better, less to cry about. A lot of the techniques I have read about breaking out of negative thought patterns tell you to write them down as a first step toward identifying them for what they are, i.e. thoughts and not reality. I think it might also help to have an inventory of my triggers for when I go see new therapists as I sometimes think that I have trouble explaining the depth of my problem due to the capriciousness of my moods.
I need a hug - I am really looking forward to seeing LD and getting one on Thursday. I would like to have something written to show her but tomorrow is a crazy busy day where I actually have a very important meeting for work so on verra. The writing feels good though, when I can get to that headspace. Unlike almost everything else right now it feels like something I look forward to doing and more importantly to accomplishing, and for her encouragement and enthusiasm I am extremely grateful.
Oh LD, you have no idea how much I look forward to the day, if it ever comes, when I can demonstrate for you and those others who really love me, just how plentiful and magestic the love I have in me for you and for the rest is, and how I will revel in demonstrating it. I know it is all in there, I just hope I can find it among all the muck.
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