Things to cry about

Sometimes i give my head a shake and say to myself, what do you have to be depressed about?
I want to start my life over again and live a different one. I feel like I am not the person I have lived as, and I cannot accept the way I have lived, the choices I have made and where it has led me. I feel like I have no one with whom I share similar interests and outlook. I feel excluded from the groups to which I want to belong and cannot figure out how I get in. I cannot accept that I spent so many years stubbornly rejecting the world when in fact I really want to embrace it. I find myself painted into a corner, a result of not simply my own negligence but my own deliberate action, if I can even be said to have been capable of such a thing as deliberation. I feel like I have not given enough or even any thought to most of the choices I have made in my life, that I never learned to consider decisions in light of a greater goal or purpose. the result has been that I have drifted reactively and no pro-actively, responding to stimuli (pain, mostly) and coping but never really planning and building something that I really wanted. I feel like I have therefore set the bar incredibly low in that my only real goal, other than maybe trying to be was to get through to the next day

I feel overwhelmed by decisions about my life, both day to day and long term. When I met S. I looked forward to finally living a life as a partnership, sharing a life and a family and a home, and sharing decisions. Having someone to assure and reassure me and help me. After living alone and independently for so long, I want guidance, I have lost faith in my instincts, I no longer trust myself to do what is right for me and I want to have someone else take an interest in me and help me.

I miss my girlfriend. I want her back even though she was immature, dysfunctional, and treated me badly. I have trouble recognizing her shortcomings and find myself dwelling on the companionship she gave to me, even though it was so vacant. I recognise that I was in a tremendous amount of pain when I was with her and found her behaviour to be irredeemably selfish, but I am nonetheless suffocating without her.