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I tracked down WC, the therapist who had been recommended to me by my financial planner LT, and made an appointment for a session. His office turned out to be in a cheery and leafy neighbourhood in the west end of town with which I was quite familiar and in which I had long longed to live.
I remember arriving for my appointment feeling very low, very lost, and very far outside my comfort zone. I forget the details but I had been provided with a sophisticated (or so it seemed to me at the time) arrival and door protocol - his practice is in a large, elevated corner house, with front and side doors commanding imposing concrete stairways. The main floor seemed to be given over to a hair studio, or two, and the door to which I had been sent was locked. I was a couple minutes early, but that comfort soon melted away and I found myself outside in the cold after the appointed time. Every bone in my body was aching to cut my losses and get out of there, as if someone was keeping score and I could have my cake and eat it too, by showing up on time yet not subjecting myself to the session. "Oh well, I tried, not my fault if no one showed up. See, there is no point in trying."
Before I could make my escape however, he appeared and welcomed me in. His office turned out to be a cosy room on the second floor.
I settled in and started to tell him my story, why I was there. It was a story of depression and hopelessness, about feeling that the decisions I had made in my life and particularly my recent past had been a series of horrible mistakes. I had only just begun the litany for him when he interrupted me by saying "OK, that gives me a fair idea of where you _are_, so now tell me where you want to _be_.
I told him that I wanted to be happy, that I wanted to experience the happiness of which I knew I was capable. He asked me for a particular example and I told him the story about when I discovered how joyful it could be to genuinely share my pleasure at seeing friends as I described in my previous post. It was nearing the end of our session but by the time I had finished explaining what had happened to me that time I found myself shaking my friend's hand, he had some very encouraging news for me. "W", he said, "I am happy to tell you that you do not have very far to go". He explained that so many of the people he sees are not only lost, but they have no sense of where they want to be. I was lost, he said, but I knew what it was like to be home, and he just had to help me get there.