Yesterday was my second session with LD, and I spent a lot of time tearfully talking about S. and deconstructing the destruction of our relationship and my subsequent collapse. I seem to have this remarkable insight into that situation and my situation, LD even calls me a "great client" - cause I "get it" - so why do I still listen to what she calls my "saboteurs" - aka deceptive brain messages, aka cognitive distortions? I am glad that I can demonstrate such a wonderful talent for introspection, but I would also gladly trade some or all of it for a little bit of contentment.
Clearly I am not going about it the right way. Last week, like every week in recent memory, I spent a lot of time and energy seeking approval from the ongoing list of women I find in my life: E., T., Sh., S., LD, LB. It was a good week for it actually - i.e. the response was good - and I was juggling so many of them there that I even had enough breathing room to relax the strain I have been putting on my immediate family (J. and K.), and even call up my actual mother and invite her to lunch. I had enough oxygen to make the big decision to move into a new apartment. I even withstood a chance encounter with S.'s son V. on Wednesday and the fishing email which followed from S. on Thursday.
But like every junkie, no matter how great the score, no matter how big the fix, it is never enough. It wears off, and I am left feeling emptier, and more desperate than before.
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